April 5th, 2008
You, dude who feels it necessary to use the women’s bathroom on my floor at work. I don’t really mind the whole Ally McBeal gender-neutral pisser. I am all about equality. But when you leave the seat halfway up* and dribble pee on the seat it makes me want to track you down and break your toes.
Jesus, I don’t get it. Men are anatomically gifted with a peeing device that they can <em>aim</em>. You nasty bastards should be way more accurate than we are. Knock it off.
You, sir, are a twit.
Tags: pee, twit
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April 4th, 2008
You, dipshit street girl with off-leash pit bull.
People are scared shitless by pit bulls. All the more so when they lope down the sidewalk unattended and unleashed charging directly towards them. Especially people (aherm) who have been attacked by dogs twice in the last year, unprovoked. You, watching the frightening beast run up to every pedestrian on the street and merely walking on your merry way. Shit like this causes people who are afraid of dogs to be more so and people who dislike them to feel more inclined to this opinion.
You, madam, are a twit.
Tags: dogs, twit
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April 4th, 2008
You, sir.
You, the effete bastard in the late-model Volvo. You, with the Oregon license plate tacked over your European plate that proves you Went to Europe and bought it there. You don’t realize how your pretentious display of your unnecessary license plate irritates me.
You, sir, are a twit.
Tags: cars, twit
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February 12th, 2008
Brewcaster over at Metroblogging Portland posted something about suckage at Los Baez Mexican restaurant, which is not far from my house, even so far as to give it a rating of EPIC FAIL.
I would argue, however, that the even bigger suckulus is Citysearch itself, to which the article linked. Look at this. Apparently Citysearch is unable to perform basic math and find the average of ratings. I could swear my friend Todd stumbled upon this before [Updated: it was my friend Kes*], but I can’t find it on his blog right now. I just find it kind of staggering. The correct “answer” is about 3.23 stars.
By the way, I hate Citysearch with that special disdain normally reserved for things like Microsoft and mislaid dog poo.
* So, sorry about the whole plagiarism thing, Kes.
Tags: citysearch, Rant, sucks
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October 17th, 2007
I was reminded of a few of the Things I Hate The Most on my queasy way back from Salem tonight. I am still not back to a health point where I feel awesome about venturing out of my house, but I had a midterm for my viticulture class that was non-optional, so again the trek down I-5 and back. Here’s the thing. I absolutely hate, with an enveloping layer of vitriol, inattentive drivers.
Any excessive intra-cockpit dingling with gadgetry gets my hackles up (just ask Mr. Pencil). Looking out my passenger-side window to espy the next-door driver wandering into our lane with a half-eaten chalupa in one hand and an iPhone in the other makes me so riled that if I weren’t the effete passive-aggressive chump that I am, there would be some animated gesturing.
My problem, in sum, is that I feel that Americans don’t take driving seriously enough. Yes, it’s condescending, but I (like the vast majority of the rest of Americans–go figure) believe that I am a relatively superior driver. I’ll temper this by saying that my skills lie in broader-stroke driving: long hauls on freeways and journeys on sinuous mountain passes. Any situation where subtle maneuvering is required causes me to get all clenchy. Let it suffice to say that I am a passable parallel-parker but a hopeless backer-upper.
But I have driven coast to coast either 11 or 13 times now; I’ve lost track. I’ve driven in 48 states. So I was reminded tonight of a few observations.
- There are some hot pockets of sheer driving evil in this country. For this sad award I think I’m going to single out: Nevada! Congratulations, Nevada, you suck. Sort of stunningly. Granted, I’ve never driven in Alaska or Hawaii but I’m going to assume they couldn’t possibly suck this much. The stretch of I-15 into Las Vegas is my definition of blinding idiocy: SUVs of drunk 22-year-olds passing dawdling Buicks full of clutches of grandparents, often passing on the shoulder. Infuriating spates of miles passed going 40MPH only to accelerate immediately to 90, mostly caused by my biggest driving no-no, which is:
- There is never, ever, ever any valid reason to hang out in the hammer lane. Get in it, do your business, pass your old folks and your tractor-trailers, then get the hell out. You are not cool enough to decide what speed everyone else on the freeway gets to go. I cannot count the number of hissy fits I’ve been forced to throw because of some moron boxing me in in the left lane. It is not a travel lane. It is not, in fact, for driving in. It’s for passing. This is not a subtle thing. It’s black and white and doesn’t take a lot of self-inspection to execute upon.
- People in L.A. and New England drive like assholes, but for some reason it works for me. There’s a certain elegance to it and it’s wrapped in a tortilla of effectiveness.
- People in Chicago and Boston drive like assholes, but it really doesn’t work for me. Extra malevolence and lack of self-preservation prevail. I find Chicago terrifying and Boston infuriating (a taxi once hit my car on purpose in Boston because he didn’t want me to merge onto the freeway…apparently at all).
- It’s not that hard to avoid getting speeding tickets. My friends less fortunate in this department are likely to take umbrage at this assertion, but I swear 9 miles over is the ticket (if you will), 7 miles over if I’m feeling cagey or paranoid. I haven’t had a speeding ticket since 1999. I haven’t had a speeding ticket I deserved since I was 16, but boy howdy did I deserve that.
Tags: cars, driving, Rant, Travel, united states
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April 5th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Talk to a janitor sometime. Women are just as capable of bathroom nastiness as men
April 6th, 2008 at 1:27 am
sure, they just don’t normally piss all over the seat. Not a issue I would get up in arms about myself but I guess you have a dog in this fight
April 7th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Women do often dribble all over the seat - this was explained to me once by a supermodel on David Letterman. Who knew?
It’s because the don’t sit down but instead use the ‘hover’ mechanism while very very drunk in the bar’s restroom facilities. And, as drunk, don’t notice their leftover mess.
I’m just saying..
April 7th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I should clarify. I got the tone wrong here. I didn’t mean to say that women are in any way less disgusting and primal than men. Not at all. It’s just that if you’re going to use the opposite gender’s bathroom, be gentle with it. There is, after all, a men’s room here, too.