Are there really any two families in the United States that prepare their tuna fish the same way? I would beg to assert that the composition of tuna fish salad is one of the most beautiful regional variations there is. Some people are pickle devotees. Some people swear by bare minimalism.

This is how we make tuna in Pencilhaven:

1. One can tuna, usually the more expensive stuff, white albacore, but I am less picky in this regard than David, other than I always get water-packed, not oil-packed. My childhood brand is Starkist.
2. Two tablespoons mayonnaise, not, I repeat not Miracle Whip, though David would use the nasty crap if he could get away with it. I usually use Best Foods, a.k.a. Hellman’s if you are from some other place in the country.
3. About 1.5 tablespoons pickle relish. The standard American kind: sweet-tangy, with bits of pimento or whatever the red flecks are. I find this to be an essential ingredient in my world: I love the sweet and crunch it adds.
4. A dash of cumin. This is very Pencil-specific.
5. Cracked black pepper.

What I find intriguing is how intensely people react to different tuna formulae. “Oh, god,” I’ve heard a friend say. “Pickle relish?! Foul!”

How does your tuna roll?

Tags: cooking, Food, recipes

It started simply, as most cooking plans do, with not enough foresight and a general craving. Duck. My god, duck. It’s good.

Mr. Pencil and I thus swayed just had to impulsively buy a frozen duck a few months ago with no concept beyond: “Duck, hell yes.” I don’t remember where we got it: Sheridan’s? New Seasons? Either way it was relegated to the freezer and forgotten save for the occasional exchange:

Mr. Pencil: “What are we going to do with that duck?”
Me: “Yeah.”

A very aggressive (if effeminate) cleaning of our fridge and freezer this weekend resulted in Mr. Pencil pulling the trigger and raising the ante: he put the duck in the fridge. That meant it was sitting in there softening, taunting us, gently putrefying. It would have to be cooked, and in short order. There it was, alone on a pristine shelf, kind of glowing with foreign duckiness.

This morning I packed off to work and the first thing I did was find the perfect recipe. Only one problem. I was at work and the duck was still at home.

That’s when the Twittering began:

lyzadanger I need to marinate my duck. I forgot to marinate my duck. And Mr. Pencil had the nerve to go to WORK today so he cannot marinate the duck. about 6 hours ago from twhirl

Marinating my duck was in the forefront of my mind. Distracting enough that I had to bust off home for the afternoon, but alas our wifi didn’t work and I was chained to my library and an ethernet jack:

lyzadanger F#($king wireless doesn’t work at home which means no time to MARINATE THE FUCKING DUCK! Working. about 3 hours ago from twhirl

Thus the afternoon was frantic with, oh, you know, work for customers that they pay us for and stuff and as such the impending marination postponed. I finally found a moment at around 3pm.

Here’s where my hubris really backfired. I’d like to protect you, duck-novice public, should you ever embark on a duck. Because it would be a Shame for it to be quite as surprised as I was. Let me analogize. I see it as akin to when I moved to England and expected things to be familiar and things were similar but in no way the same and it was more disorienting in certain ways than if I’d moved to Zimbabwe, where the differences would be noticeable and much less confusing.

But it was time to cut up my duck.

Duck != Chicken

1. Ducks have a rind. Not skin so much as a half inch of dense…peel…that has to be reckoned with.
2. Ducks look like steak on the inside. So, steak with a “frosting” of fat. This I was ready for.
3. Ducks can actually fly. As such their wing structure reflects this. Mine must’ve been part albatross.
4. Joints are in different places than a chicken. The ragged edges of my duck legs would make Gordon Ramsey yell at me.
5. Duck stock is more like gravy. Duck oil, really. Watch out!

I used our spice grinder to mush up some juniper berries, thyme, rosemary, and orange zest and was able to tweet:

lyzadanger I have successfully marinated the duck. about 1 hour ago from web

What I didn’t tweet was that, while browning the carcass for the stock, I somehow managed to brown the heart. I was so surprised to see it in the pan that I grabbed it with tongs and flung it away. Nothing like flinging a deep-fried duck heart across the room to make you feel like a weirdo.

Later: More duck action; the finished duck.

Tags: cooking, duck, Food, hubris, twitter

My friend Autumn tried out the new Deschutes Brewery in the Pearl and wrote about it on her blog. I find it funny.

not totally thrilled my reuben was going to cost me $11.95 i was downright flummoxed to see that the kids menu listed grilled salmon as one of its offerings. grilled salmon? seriously? if it cannot be formed into a patty or tot, my child is not interested

Go read more…

I have to admit that I’m not optimistic about the place. I get dragged to the one in Bend more often than seems logical and my mouth always leaves bored and overcharged.

Tags: Food, funny, restaurants, snarky

lyzadanger posted a photo:

Om nom nom nom

This is why I was quiet all weekend. Baked like a fiend because I was the host of Aileen’s baby shower. Brett, Wes, Chris Higgins and Mr. Pencil also strongly involved. Go see the photo at Flickr to see what some of the treats were.

Tags: aileen, baking, cookies, cupcakes, Food, shower

First, let it be known that I love cilantro. But there is a rather silly and fun site out there: I Hate Cilantro– a self-proclaimed “Anti-cilantro community.” Included in their riotous testimonials and whatnot is this gem of a haiku:

verdant enemy
lurking in soupy repose
striking the naive

I know a good handful of folks who can’t stand the flavor of cilantro. My mom, for one, though she’s coming around somewhat. Cloud Four co-founder Jason Grigsby. A few others. The standard complaint is that it tastes like soap.

I find this interesting. The rumor is that it might be genetic.

The only thing I have a visceral revulsion to is liver of all stripes. I want to be able to say I’ll eat anything–I like being an adventurous eater–but when I put liver in my mouth my body roundly rejects it and it gets ugly.

How about you guys? Anything you just absolutely can’t eat? I’m not talking about stuff you don’t like that much, but stuff that makes you want to chork just looking at it.

Update: You can add natto and uni to my list. I love sushi but damn.

Tags: cilantro, Food, revulsion